SUPREME PIMP LORD SASUKE
by xXFissshBonesssXx
Summary: Because Itachi was a smart cookie. Rated for language. Pairings: SasukexEveryone? Read the revealed truth about Itachi's motives!


**Story Title: **SUPREME PIMP LORD SASUKE

**Author Note:** A crack-fic written by me. Pure crack.

**Disclaimer: **This story is written in the form of a play. I figured it would hit home more if I did it thusly. I own no one in the following story.

**Setting: **After the battle between Sasuke and Itachi, Itachi doesn't get randomly sick and die. He's taken to Konoha to be tried for his crimes by Naruto and Kakashi and co, who arrive sooner than they did in the original Manga.

The scene is set in an open area, kind of like an amphitheater where most of the Naruto cast is seated and Sasuke, Kakashi, Itachi, Naruto, Sakura, and a few important other characters (mostly female) are on the floor at the center of attention.

Tsunade is questioning Itachi as the scene opens.

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**((( OPENING )))**

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**((( IT IS CRUCIAL THAT YOU READ THE SETTING INFORMATION TO UNDERSTAND WHERE THIS BEGINS. D: SO GO READ IT. )))**

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**((( OPENING )))**

**Tsunade:** Before we deliver our judgement of you, Uchiha Itachi, will you consent to telling us WHY you did all the things you did?

**Sasuke**: -_sneers_- Yes. Let's hear his _reasoning_, if there _was_ any.

**Itachi**: -_looks straight ahead at his questioners_- Fine. If you want to know... I did it all for one thing.

**Sasuke**: -_snarls_- What? What could possibly be so important that you'd do all that you did?

**Itachi**: Ha... all those things that I've done. I turned from the village... I joined the Akatsuki... I murdered everyone in our family because... because...

**Tsunade**: Yes?

**Itachi**: ...BECAUSE I WANTED MY LITTLE BROTHER TO BE A PIMP!

**All**: OO WHAAAAT?

**Itachi**: It was my dream! All I ever wanted for my younger brother was to have a wonderful loving Harem of his own that would provide him with endless opportunities to have sex over and over and over again! It was all I ever WANTED! Mother and Father thought I was crazy! So did everyone else! So eventually I kept to to myself, knowing that I alone would have to fulfill my dreams. I had to work incredibly hard to achieve my goals. The first question was how to get Sasuke to HAVE to have sex all the time. The answer to THAT was simple enough--kill the whole clan and make it HIS responsibility to revive it! So I did it. But then there was the issue of myself. If I was still alive, even after our whole family had been obliterated, I would share the responsibility of reviving the clan with Sasuke, thus depriving him of potential sex opportunities--which was also easily solved. I figured I would work myself to death and then come back only to inform my dear little brother of his status as the Supreme Pimp Lord of the Uchihas. Also, I took into consideration that Sasuke wouldn't make a good pimp unless he had an irresistibly sexy body, so of course I knew that he had to be an Avenger. Avengers ALWAYS work themselves to death trying to reach their goals. I made sure that I slaughtered our family when he would be coming home from the academy so he would walk right into all the death. It was easy enough; no one in our family had much talent besides me, anyway. And so I killed them all off, it only took ten minutes, tops. But then, of course, Sasuke stayed late at the academy, so I had to keep our parents alive for the very last part. I hated marring his psyche at such an early stage, but I had to give him a reason to kill himself in training so his body would be flawless.

**Sasuke**: o.o -speechless-

**Itachi**: Isn't he _gorgeous_ now, though?

**Sakura**: Well...

**Naruto**: _Sakura_! Don't encourage the crazy man!

**Itachi**: And it's all thanks to **me**!

**Sasuke**: -_shakes his head, looking scared out of his mind_- You're INSANE, Aniki!

**Itachi**: And **you're** the new Supreme Pimp Lord of the Uchihas, dear little brother. Please take the responsibility seriously, and have lots and lots of sex.

**Sakura**: -_quickly_- I'll help you with that, Sasuke--

**Ino**: And me, too--

**Hinata**: I c-could also--

**Tenten:** If it's his _duty_--

**Temari**: Oh, he won't have to worry about THAT, crazy older brother--

**Tsunade**: _-does a double take_- When did you get here, Temari?

**Naruto**: Oo You're all insane!

**Sasuke**: For once, Naruto is right!

**Naruto**: Yeah--hey!

**Itachi**:_ -slips out of his bonds and pulls out a dagger from who-knows-where_- Well, now not only do you have all my awesome jutsus and a sexy body and a crowd of willing women, you also have the knowledge of our eyes. Be extremely careful with the Sharingan, brother--nobody likes a blind pimp.

_-stabs himself-_

**Kakashi**: _-rushes over and calls over medic nins- _Shit.

**Itachi**: Ah--

**Kakashi**: You crazy--

**Itachi**: Crazy? Maybe. But I won.

-_dies_-

**Sasuke**: ...brother...

_-all the girls immediately swoon over Sasuke's stricken look-_

**Sakura**: Oh, Sasuke...

**Ino**: Oh, Sasuke...

**Hinata**: Oh, Sasuke...

**Temari**: Oh, Supreme Pimp Lord of the Uchihas...

**All**: Oo;

**Temari**: -_brightens up-_ Hey! Why don't you let your new Harem brighten up your day, Supreme Pimp Lord Sasuke?

**Sasuke**: _-is suddenly surrounded by willing fangirls-_ Uh, actually, I would like to mourn--er, dance on Itachi's ashes--by myself? -swallows- Is that an option?

**Sakura**: _-pressed up against him with half the crowd-_ Only if His Majesty the Supreme Pimp Lord of the U-Chi-Ha _**REALLY**_ wishes it.

**Sasuke**: -_gulps_- I-I... _-is swallowed by crowd of women-_

**Naruto**: -_wails in despair_- Sasukeeeee... Sakuraaaaa... Nooooo... _-suddenly brightens- _Wait! I know! _-strikes pose and turns into Naruko- _There! _-flings herself into the fray_- Sasuke-chaaaaan!

**Kakashi**: -_holding dead Itachi_- Hm. Everything seems to have turned out the way he predicted. I suppose he did win.

**Medics**: Should we get rid of the body?

**Kakashi**: I think we should wait until the Supreme Pimp Lord Sasuke is free, and consult him. It is his relative, after all.

**Medics**: Alright. -_glance at the crowd, which is rapidly losing clothing articles_- Should we stick around to see if the Supreme Pimp Lord Sasuke needs medical aide? It looks like things are getting pretty serious over there.

**Kakashi**: Hm. -_a series of groans and squeals erupt from the massive pile- _Yes... that might be best for everyone.

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**((( END )))**

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**A/N: **Thaaaaaat was it. (: Hope you enjoyed.


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